On Our Secret Longing for Janice Dickinson To Run Unopposed for President of the United States

17Feb08

In which The Gay Recluse becomes fatigued with the general election before it’s even started.

We begin by admitting that we came extremely late to the Janice Dickinson party, having only just caught up in the last few weeks with seasons two and three of her reality television show on Oxygen, “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.” At first we were somewhat horrified by her brash but startlingly exuberant voice and the rather extreme amounts of plastic surgery on display, to the point where we were whispering “oh my god” repeatedly under our breath, as if we were watching a horror movie and she was about to reach through the television screen and wrap her hands around our neck.

Yet as we persevered and one episode passed into the next, not only did we find ourselves increasingly intrigued by Dickinson and the business of her modeling agency, but — as we compared her to the current crop of candidates — we began to secretly wish that she was running unopposed for President of the United States.

Let’s discuss a few of the many ways in which Janice Dickinson would make the better commander-in-chief.

1) She’s tough but pragmatic. She’s a good negotiator. Seriously, as nasty as politics is, would John McCain, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton have been able to last for 35 years in the high-fashion modeling industry? We think not.

2) She’s principled but understands capitalism. We think of when Dickinson insists to her business partner that she wants the agency to aspire to French Vogue more than its trashy (but more profitable) down-market counterparts like Maxim. Do any of the candidates ever claim to hold this kind of higher aesthetic ideal (and moreover, take concrete steps to make it happen)? Score another point for Dickinson.

3) She treats her models like people. Over and over in the past season, we saw Dickinson insist that her clients treat models with respect, and not to needlessly objectify or dismiss them.

4) She’s not afraid to be “liberal.” What Republican would declare her modeling agency “fur-free” and take part with her models in a PETA demonstration on Hollywood Boulevard? She repeatedly claims that she wants her agency to be “inclusive” and then puts her money where her mouth is by actively recruiting models of every ethnicity and sexual orientation.

5) She’s gay-friendly and sex-friendly. She’s extremely comfortable with nudity. She claims to have slept with over 1000 men (including Grace Jones) and generally brings a forthright candor to discussions of sex and nudity that is sadly lacking among the current crop of candidates.

6) She’s compassionate without being dictatorial. When Dickinson suspects that her models are not eating enough or cutting themselves, she confronts them and urges them to get help; at the same time, she does not make it her mission to “save” anyone who is unwilling to hear what she has to say; in this respect, she shows remarkable restraint.

7) Her models look professional. Compare a Janice Dickinson model to anyone on Bravo’s “Make Me a Supermodel” and you’ll see how superior Dickinson’s models are to these “reality” contestants. Dickinson’s ability to identify talent and nurture it is exactly what we need in an executive leader.

Our next president? We wish.

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