In which The Gay Recluse scores selected opinion pieces in The Times.

Gail Collins/A Catered Affair

The Short Version: Paterson should have left his wife at home.

In her words: “Everybody knows there’s only one revenge affair to a customer.”

Score: A- (Amusing)
We began this column a bit fearfully, but gradually succumbed to Collins’ witty take on the Paterson follow-up to the Spitzer debacle.

Timothy Egan/Donner Party Democrats

The Short Version: Ye Olde Democrats: Why hath thou not finished thine primaries yet? (I’m hilarious!)

In his words: “The original Donner Party made history for one reason: by eating their dead. Cannibalism — it was all they could do to stay alive.”

The Score: D-(Deadly)
We guess this is supposed to be funny, but any humor is of the sad and unintentional variety: “He was joined by a grizzled old cuss named Cheney.” (We are reminded of the painfully unfunny “Law Revue” musical they used to put on every spring at our law school.) So stupid. Wtf. When Bob Herbert retires goes on vacation, we wish The Times would hire someone decent to replace him: Dan Savage is the obvious choice.