On the Inappropriate Use of Cocksucking Metaphors by Literary Dudebro Critics

25Oct08

In which The Gay Recluse says wtf, dudebro?

Although it’s not impossible to imagine a scenario in which a straight-guy literary critic does not expose himself as a moronic dudebro as he mocks other straight guys by writing 1) “Lev Grossman fellates Updike with a knowing look as Updike cradles his bald head in a three part essay,” 2) “Even non-Ivy leaguer and New York Times Books Review editor Sam Tanenhaus can’t keep Updike’s balls out of his mouth this Sunday,” and 3) “Sam Tanenhaus and John Updike Do 69,” this post at Gawker is not that scenario. Basically, the running joke here is that gay cocksucking is implicitly funny, and so it’s even funnier to imagine a bunch of straights doing it.  Ha, ha — get it? By vapidly praising Updike, Grossman is — get ready for it — sucking his dick! Lolz! No wait, this is even better: Tanenhaus and Updike are 69ing!!! Omg, hilarious!!! No really, this is great stuff!

But hey, we’re here not just to criticize but to help! Here are a few simple rules for straight-guy literary critics who want to lose that dudebro sheen and acquire a hip, “post-gay” aura by throwing around gay-sex imagery: 1) be sure to mock straight sex just as often as gay sex (see, e.g., Wonkette), 2) remember that a lot of guys are still getting persecuted at best and executed at worst all over the world for sucking cock, so whatever joke you tell better be pretty fucking funny to make it worth walking across some very thin ice, 3) if you have doubts, e-mail us a draft and we’ll be happy to be serve as a test audience, or 4) stfu and go suck some cock — and we mean this in the most literal sense — it’ll make us all happier.

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2 Responses to “On the Inappropriate Use of Cocksucking Metaphors by Literary Dudebro Critics”

  1. 1 kelly

    oh the stupid dudebros…
    perfect post. thank you.
    totally cracked me up.

  2. Thanks, Kelly — obvs props to a certain Mike D and Matt K on this!


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