In which The Gay Recluse posts news and analysis from our U.K. correspondent, The London Eye.

Today we received this missive from The London Eye:

Dear Gay Recluse: Here are a few more London statues… Even though we’re not eligible for awards, we want the United States to know that our statues are HERE, our statues are QUEER, and our statues are IN YOUR FACE.

Hmm. We understand that The London Eye (who we have reason to believe is a closeted football fan, by which we don’t mean “soccer”) is trying to taunt us with this schoolyard language, but we nevertheless remain quite sensitive to the issue! (And as we all know, The London Eye is not one to deliver empty threats.) Let’s ponder the evidence. (Our language — in case it wasn’t obvious — in itals.)

1. FDR and Churchill on Old Bond Street.

While cruising for anonymous sex, FDR inadvertently picks up Winston Churchill. (They’re both relieved that Stalin isn’t around, since he tends to play a little too rough.)
NUDE - No
GAY - Yes
HOT - No

Excellent analysis, London Eye! Also, because this statue is not very hot, we are not particularly disturbed by its “tiny size.”

2. “Homage to Leonardo” in Belgrave Square.

This image looks hot on paper, but creepy in three dimensions.
NUDE - Yes
GAY - Yes
HOT - No

Yikes. Creepy is right. We’re not sure which is less hot: having eight arms and legs or that haircut!? We wouldn’t want to run into this guy in a dark alley, that’s for sure.

3. “Eros” in Piccadilly Circus

Description: What could be more “erotic” than the hot little twink himself? (Actually, this statue was intended to represent Eros’ twin Anteros, the personification of unrequited love. But that’s even hotter, for some reason.)
NUDE - Yes (except for that strategically placed bit of robe)
GAY - Yes
HOT - Yes

Whoa! Nice work, London Eye! Needless to say, we’re convinced. This statue is definitely one of the gayest and most smokin’ hot we’ve seen to date. Like you said, it’s a good thing London isn’t eligible to win! You guys are truly in a different league.

Or are they? We’ve seen some pretty hot entries from the United States, and like to think that we’ve barely scratched the surface. Readers: help us prove The London Eye wrong! (We would also like to hear from our neighbors to the north and south, obviously.) Will we always be doomed to lag behind Europe in this most important measure of national identity and well-being? Stay tuned for more.